Silent Mode

History: I wrote this sometime in 2005 (damn, I am really getting old) and was posted in the now barely alive Peyups.com. This was one of my most commented articles there. Enjoy.

***

3 am.

After almost two days of me not texting you back, I lie awake. Thinking of us. Thinking of you. Thinking of what we’re going to do. Thinking of how and why we ended up in this situation. My mind went blank. Numb even.

We’ve been sleeping together for months now. We didn’t care much for a lot of things. Like how it didn’t matter that we’re approximately 2 hours from each other. It didn’t matter that we’re both committed to other people. It didn’t matter that we’re both females. Things were quite simple. We’re just two people who want to be together. Things went smoothly for the past couple of months.

Until you fell in love.

It’s not only fire that we were playing with now. But also toying dangerously with emotions. Feelings. A few weeks back you texted me probably one of the sweetest things anyone ever said to me. It’s still in my inbox after all this time. I don’t know if you still remember it. You said that you’re having a hard time keeping it from me anymore. That you don’t care if I accept it or not, but you love me already.

I was startled when my phone beeped. It was you.

“You still awake?”

“Yeah. In bed thinking of y0u…”

“ Naka2tamp0 ka nman…”

Sigh.

“ I kn0w. I’m s0rry. You d0n’t kn0w h0w much I miss y0u.”

Considering I’m of the female specie, I’m never really good at explaining things…especially on what I’m feeling. I probably should be hanged for this. Like how we lynch the guys we know that is guilty of the same thing.

“ I d0n’t get it”, she texted.

Whew. This would be really hard. I took a deep breath and started punching keys.

“Even th0ugh U d0n’t say anything, I can feel hw much ure hurting. Hw much I’m hurting U. Sumhow at the back 0f my mind, I wnted U 2 jst 4get abt me all t0gether. Dat way I can make d pain g0 away. Even if it means U getting mad at me. Bt at the same tym its killing me. Real sl0w…”

Long pause. I glanced at my alarm clock on the bedside table. It glinted 3:25. You must’ve fallen asleep.

The phone beeped one more time.

“U mean U want me t0 f0rget you? ”

“S0meh0w, yes. Bt my whole being’s screaming n0. N0one cud evr imagine h0w mch I wana be wid U. Bt I wana be the last pers0n 2 hurt U. Ure that special to me…”

“Well. Make up ur mind and being then, Ice. And I’ll try so damn hard t0 get 0ut 0f ur lyf. Just t0 make things unc0mplicated f0r U.”

Ouch. That hurt. It took me a long while to respond. I didn’t know what to say. I was rather overwhelmed with the fact that I’d really lose you. That you’d really get out of my life.

Reality check. This is what I wanted right? I kicked myself. Geez.

4:10 am.

“M having a hard time explaining. M sorry. Never really gud at this, p0uring my heart and stuff. Its n0t me that needs pr0tecting. It’s y0u. I want to pr0tect y0u fr0m me. Lab0 k0.”

I didn’t wait for your reply. I continued texting…

“Normally, I wudn’t care. I’d be my own selfish self, take wat I can and NEVER care. Bt ure different. U changed sumthing in me, I’m not even sure what.”

God. I lied. Forgive me. I lied. I very well know what happened to me.

I fell in love too.

I wanted to call and tell you how I feel. I wanted to just drop the whole thing and tell you to just forget about everything I’ve said…that we’d be ok…that we could still make things work.

But I had to keep myself from doing that. Because I know things would get worse. Complicate things even. It always is when emotions start springing up. And it’s not just the hormones jumping up. And I know I won’t be able to give you what you need. What you deserve. Sigh.

4: 15. “OK. U take care.”

Sunrises and sunsets came and went. Lots of endless nights and tiring days passed by. My phone lay quietly beside me.

***